"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, For the help of His countenace."
Psalm 42:5
I am writing this post in an attempt at finding my way through the maze of thoughts, doubts, fears, and insecurities that have muddled my heart this past week. I've worked through most of it already, but writing this will help me tie up the loose ends. I don't know how it's going to turn out, or if anyone but me will be able to comprehend it, but I am willing to try. Sometimes writing is the only thing that sets me free, helps me sort out my life, and shows me the truth of what God is trying to tell me. Here goes.
I've been struggling with a lot of things lately. I don't know what you'd call it. Me, I call it a bunch of stuff piling on top of each other until it all just explodes. Being essentially a single parent and living husbandless in your parents basement with no money and barely any alone time can kind of just get to you after a while. But if I start using words like 'depression,' I run into trouble. Talking about depression, especially in Christian circles, is not terribly popular. People either think you don't have enough faith or that you're backsliding. Heavens. What I think we all need is a good dose of reality. No one is excepted from rough seasons in life. Paul said he was pressed, persecuted, and pressed down. Of course, he was using those descriptions of sufferings to testify of the goodness of God, but lets not miss the fact that he was downtrodden. Some Bible scholars say that Paul's 'thorn in the flesh' was that he struggled with what we today call clinical depression, because of his use of words like 'I despaired beyond life,' etc etc. That is only speculation of course, but the point is, sure, he could have been. Why not? God uses regular old people with some sometimes yucky problems. But that's exactly what makes Him look great.
My point? I am not afraid of saying I go through depression. Not afraid of it at all. I am not speaking it over my life (for all you name-it-claim-it people ;) I am just speaking facts. Truth: the joy of the Lord is my strength. Fact: I feel horrible. It's like a person with a broken leg saying 'It's not broken!' The fact is that it IS broken; the truth is that it's healed, even if that person hasn't experienced the fullness of it yet.
In all the seasons of depression I've gone though in my life, one thing has been able to reach through the pain and touch my heart. That thing is the book of Psalms. I was reminded just how repeatedly the Psalms have been my help by a post that Hannah Blanton wrote. She was sharing Psalm 42 and verse 3 caught my eye: 'My tears have been my food day and night.' True enough, said I. I began to think, what other thoughts from the Psalms could I use to describe how I feel?
'My heart pants, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me. My loved ones and my friends stand aloof ffrom my plague, and my relatives stand afar off.' (38:10)
'For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me. For I will declare my iniquity; I will be in anguish over my sin.' (38:17,18)
'...I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, yes, my soul and my body, and my years with sighing, my strength fails because of my iniquity.' (31:9,10)
'I am weary with my groaning; all night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears. My eye wastes away because of grief...' (6:6,7)
'Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?' (43:2)
'My heart is severely pained within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling have come opon me and horror has overwhelmed me. So I said, 'Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.' (55:4-6)
I mean, seriously, there are even parts where David asked God straight up why He had forsaken him, why He did not answer the prayers of the righteous, and why God had cast him off! Had He? Of course not, but the truth to be gained here is that God was okay with David asking those kind of questions. God was not afraid of the stark honesty of what was going through David's heart. So I take it He's not afraid of mine. People may be, but God's not.
The good news here of course is that David didn't stop with these kind of thoughts. When he cried out to God, God answered him and saved him. I have no doubt that God will answer me when I cry out to Him, even if it sometimes takes a little longer than I'd like. And that's where I'm at right now. I know these feelings all too well, but I also know that there is a moment (hopefully right around the corner) when the sun will break through, joy will flood my heart, God's voice will once again begin to come through loud and clear. Sometimes He doesn't part the clouds right away on purpose. After all, if He did, when would we grow in faith?
I was right, writing about it did help me sort it out. (However, let me just say that talking to a VERY loving and understanding husband helps even more, thank you John ;) I want whoever reads this to know that I do not write this as a cry for help but as a cry of help, to anyone who has been in the place that I have been in. If my life and struggles can be of help to even one other person, I am willing to go through it all over again, as many times as I need to. Thank You, Jesus, for holding my hand, holding my heart, saving my soul, redeeming my mind, setting me free, and giving me more than enough grace to overcome any obstacle in life. You are so, so good to me.
I wrote a testimony about overcoming depression in one of my oldest posts, it's called 'Journey of My Soul,' in case anyone wants to read it. And one last thought, what I said about being a husbandless, moneyless, basement-bum single parent: I didn't mean it ;) I mean it when I'm down, but the reality of my situation is: I'M BLESSED. ;)
